vultures, sitcom, kilkenny, mycrofilms
 

“The Case Of The Poisoned Dates”

Janine Drew is a 16 year old chav. But she's a 16 year old chav with ambitions to be a great detective. For this gum chewing Transition Year terror, there's only place to apply to... literally: Vulture Private Investigations.

Behind The Scenes Photos

Janine Drew (Suzanne O’Brien)


As far back as she can remember, Janine Drew always wanted to be a private detective. And now that she’s in Transition Year, there’s only one place she wants to go on work experience: Vulture Private Investigations. And no one’s going to stop her: not Mrs. Curtin, not her parents and especially not the detectives of V.P.I. Janine Drew is all about ambition. She is smart, focused, highly intelligent and can actually smoke and chew gum at the same time.


What she isn’t however is discreet. It can be easily deduced that Janine is what is known as a ‘chav.’ She likes to wear lots of pink, is fond of her bling, is loud and gossipy and adorns her feet with those monstrosities known as UGG boots. She is Dan McGrain’s worst nightmare come to life: an obnoxiously modern female. And she will break your face if you keep staring at her.


Facts:


  1. -For her 16th birthday Janine only wanted one thing: a top of the range fingerprinting kit. And she got it and all.

  2. -She can usually predict who’s going to win X Factor due to her deductive skills. She’s made a fortune out of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here too.

  3. -She frequently uses the text shorthand of ‘LOL’ as an actual word. As in: ‘I was only lolling the tits off meself.’

  4. -Her favourite celebrity is Cheryl Tweedy because of her ‘class dress sense and take no shit attitude’. Her least favourite is Kerry Katona because ‘she’s a dirty, fat slag.’

  5. -Her favourite detective novel is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s ‘Hound of the Baskervilles’. It’s the reason she has an Alsatian called Pink.


Quote:


“Here, do ya have a fag?”

Introducing.....

Janine Drew: Work Experience

The gentlemen detectives of V.P.I. have willingly decided (apart from a certain N. Tennyson) to use their Christmas bonuses to pay for a public service announcement. A public service announcement that will effect YOU!

Trailer “Say NO To Pinkertons!”

A Transition Year student has arrived in the offices of V.P.I. for work experience. Janine Drew is brash, ambitious and what in social circles is known as a 'chav.' Her appointment coincides with a series of errant romantic entanglements that degenerate into a potential powder keg of social embarrassment, messy divorce cases and extreme violence. And all the while the spectre of the Pinkertons looms....

Niall Tennyson – Seán Hackett


Jim Vultour – John Morton


Dan McGrain – David Thompson


Janine Drew – Suzanne O'Brien


Jack Street – Ross Costigan


Inspector Hugh Leeson – Paul Young


Tatiana Leeson – Edwina Whearty


Sarah Black – Niamh Moroney


Pat Cairo – Paddy Dunne


Jane Tennyson – Annette O'Shea


Isabelle Vultour – Liadain Kaminska


Tom Moriarty – Stephen Colfer


Matt McLoughlin – Peter McGann


Fred Bass – Eddie Brennan


Hooded Man – Mick Murphy


The Cairo City Ramblers  -

Thom Dowling, Laurent Murray, Mick Slattery.


Cinema Couples -

Murt Brennan, Kendall Butler, Eddie Murphy, Maria Murray.


Nuns - Kate St. John, Angela Walsh


Spade - Jack


Jason Statham - Murt Brennan


The Chief - Eddie Murphy


Girl - Maria Murray


Voice Over Guy - Ross Costigan


Directed by Ross Costigan


Written by Paddy Dunne & John Morton


Produced and Edited by Alan Slattery


Production Designer - Paddy Dunne


Sound Operator – Shane Hatton


Camera Operator – Alan Slattery




This episode went online February 1st, 2009




Episode 3 - Episode 5

Cast & Crew

Pat Cairo (Paddy Dunne)

 

A hard drinking, hard working, hard partying trad musician from Clonakilty in Cork, Pat Cairo is a real man’s man. He sings heartily, spins great yarns and is a friend to everyone he meets. In essence, Pat Cairo is a right catch and that’s exactly why Sarah Black is happy to be with him. Especially after putting up with Jim Vultour so long. With his nicely patterned jumpers and peaked cap and constant smiling, Pat is a decidedly chipper fellow. And when he comes home from touring with his band The Cairo City Ramblers, he likes to snuggle up to his lovely Sarah.

 

And if Vultour is on the couch it’s no bother to Pat, as he wouldn’t like to see anyone sleeping rough on his account. Fair play to him indeed.

 

Facts:


  1. -He’d go mad if he didn’t have a nice bit of coddle every day.

  2. -Learnt his first Irish traditional tune aged 5. It was ‘Whiskey In The Jar’ and he still knows every verse. He has no time for the Thin Lizzy or Metallica versions but ‘Sure, fair play to them anyway.’

  3. -He’s managed to get all but one of The Dubliners to sign his guitar. Alas, he had to forge the late Luke Kelly’s signature.

  4. -Fulfilled a lifelong ambition to play on his hero Dessie O’Halloran’s fine solo album ‘The Pound Round’.

  5. -He has never worn a sweater that isn’t patterned. And by God, he never will.

 

Quote:


‘G’wan outta that ye pups ye! Wahey! Fair play, fair play.’

Jane Tennyson (Annette O’Shea)


Niall Tennyson’s twin sister is like him in most ways. She’s diminutive yet tough, ambitious yet practical and quite willing to get her hands dirty despite a general prettiness. She’s also loves sports and Capri Sun. Unlike her brother though, Jane actually got into the Garda Siochana. The Tennyson Twins never became the great Gardai duo like their parents had hoped and poor Niall was reduced to becoming a mere private detective. Or ‘scum’ as their father refers to them. Jane however aced her medical. So much so that they reckoned she was fit enough for ‘3 Gardai.’

 

However, Jane also seems aggressive, potentially violent and potty mouthed. Or is she? Maybe it’s just that she’s a modern lady and Dan McGrain can’t comprehend her way of thinking? Either way, the tough arm of the law is not as sweet as she seems.

 

Facts:


  1. -Her favourite actor is Jason Statham. Her favourite film is ‘Anything with Jason Statham in it’

  2. -Once put a man who parked on a double yellow line into a coma. She was suspended for a week with pay.

  3. -She hates corruption. Even to the point where she refuses to open brown envelope mail no matter what’s in them.

  4. -Permanently has a supply of Capri Sun in her work locker. And car boot.

  5. -Niall came out of the womb first but Jane kicked harder.


Quote:


‘Don’t call me Bangarda.’

Tatiana Leeson (Edwina Whearty)


Like the Cold War personified, Tatiana Leeson does not do warmth, or feelings, or expressions. She met Inspector Leeson online and soon, negotiated a fee in which to marry him and move to Ireland. Yes, she’s a mail order bride. But not in a good way. Oh no. Aligned with the incoming Russian Mob, she’s ruthless, vicious and will kill for money. And also pole dance if needs be.


Now that she’s been brought to Ireland, she intends on getting rid of her nuisance of a husband, so she can take his house, his big car, buy herself more fur coats, more vodka and lots more knives. This woman is literally poisonous.


Facts:


  1. -Once made an attempt to be Russia’s entry for the Eurovision but was beaten in the preliminary stages by TATU.

  2. -Has been known to incapacitate men with her thighs.

  3. -Has a tattoo of Rasputin on her lower back.

  4. -Her favourite song to pole dance to is ‘Rock Me Amadeus’ by Falco.

  5. -She makes Inspector Leeson hand wash her fur coat.


Quote:


‘I will break you.’

Outtakes

A series of bloopers from ‘ The Mystery Of The Night Time Refuse’.